You know how sometimes you go to a coat stand or to a closet and pull a coat on without really paying attention and only realise when you have pulled it on that it is not yours? It does not fit right, it is tight across the back, the arms are too long and you don’t like the lapels.

This is how I feel about my life at the moment. Only I can’t just pull it off and put it back in the closet before picking something that fits better. I have no other option than to just wear it and try to compensate with accessories. “This looks awful but maybe with the right scarf it won’t be so bad?”

Maybe I am just stressed and need a break. Maybe after I disconnect for a couple of weeks over Christmas and New Year I won’t feel like this. It is starting to weigh me down. It is a nice place to work, I am getting increases in salary and I’ve managed to carve out my own little areas of responsibility and I am trusted to manage them, whether this trust is misplaced is another matter, a few mistakes have been made. I get on with everyone I work with and there is no unpleasantness or negativity at all. I should be delighted with the way things are going.

I don’t really know what to do. Or if there is anything that I can do. I am also worried that I will blow things in epic proportions and do my traditional ‘burn all bridges’ routine on a day when I am feeling particularly fed up and something does not go my way. Maybe I won’t, I have managed to be mostly emotionally stable and calm over the last few years but I still worry something in my head will snap and I’ll mess everything up the way I used to mess everything up.

I brought up the fact I am on holiday for a few weeks over Christmas and New Year today because it coincides with some things that are part of my responsibilities possibly occurring. I wanted to make sure there was an awareness that some things had to be done before my two weeks off or done without me. I got the feeling my time off did not go down well, despite having planned this some time ago and added it to the shared calendar and put the correct paperwork in. Every time I take time off it feels like it is resented and people are just annoyed by the inconvenience.

Maybe I am just being paranoid. I’m putting significant effort in at the moment and a few things have not gone as well as they could have and I sometimes wonder whether it is all worth it. Whatever I do there is always something I haven’t to be informed about.

I need a break, that much is clear. I also think that I need to definitely continue with my Open University course next year even though my results have been patchy with this year’s (AA315 Renaissance Art Reconsidered). I don’t even know if I have passed yet, due to time constraints I put in a pretty poor piece of work as my final assessment. I don’t know whether I’ve failed or just got a poor mark. I shall most likely sign up for AA318 Art of the Twentieth Century soon. It will give me a sense of purpose and focus outside of work and maybe if I decide this is not the career direction I want then I can take my degree in Art History and do something else?

I am still reading Desolation Angels by Jack Kerouac and wishing I could live my life like characters in the story, which is basically wishing I was a different person. I am more the introverted anti-social hermit than the extroverted angel of desolation and beat I’d rather have been. I am not reading as much as I should be, I feel mentally drained when I leave work at the moment and mostly just watch television and listen to music.

Maybe I can be who I want to be? Can I still make that decision at thirty-one years of age or is that only an option for those younger than me? I suppose I am stuck with me now… I can’t be who I want in this cynical pit of sarcasm, hatred and pessimism that clings on to the planet like a bloated tick on the scrotum of a mangey old dog.

I suppose I’ll just make paradise in my mind and pull it around myself in the dark to keep warm, same as I always have, but giving reality a little boost too might be nice….